I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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