you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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