The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
