Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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