How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
grandma shit on top of the toilet
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
