dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize