Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
