We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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