Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
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So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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