Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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