I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
