im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
