I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
