I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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