Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
