he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
