You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
