Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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