I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
