you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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