don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
