i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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