i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
