Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
