Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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