She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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