im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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