i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
