When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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