Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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