Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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