Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
