I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
