Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
