i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
