I wish my penis had an off switch
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
