I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
