I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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