Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
