apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
false alarm, still single
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
