Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
