I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
