Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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