Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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