did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
