Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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