Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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