he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
