he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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