I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
