I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
