Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
