Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
