I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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