Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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