im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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