I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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