How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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