I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
