Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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